Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Random things. Or- a "get to know me" post.

So, this is a random and pretty much useless post of facts about me.
Here goes.  (This could get interesting. I'm tired, and it's late.) I'll start with generally know, and work down to little known. 
Where to start.....?

- I am in my 23rd year of life, almost 24th if you count womb time. 

-When I was younger I don't ever remember being a size 6 pants or less... Smallest size I remember is size 8. I guess I either skipped, or just didn't care before. 

- I used to think/pretend I was an indian, never wore makeup, and wore a feather in my hair. i had a bow and arrows too. Was pretty good at shooting!

- Walking barefoot is always preferable to shoes

-Black Coffee is the bomb. I usually don't take cream or sugar. But I will take coconut milk if available.

-Midwifery has been my chosen vocation and passion since I was 5 years old. 

-In the past 2.5 years i've moved 10 times. 

-I've never had a real boyfriend. In fact, I rarely think about having a boyfriend at all, at least not for awhile. Perfectly happy single, thank you!

-I have used a taser on a stinkbug.

-People usually think I'm more crazy, or wild, or something... than I actually am. By myself I'm actually pretty boring. 

-Going overseas as a missionary is something I really want to do someday.

-Gardening is fabulous fun, as is pulling weeds. Especially when angry or upset.

-Crying actual real tears is very rare. The most I do is get moisture in my eyes. Unless it's an intense emotion.

-Yelling is not my thing (I rarely do it, VERY rarely) However, if someone yells at me or even raises their voice I'm reduced to tears in minutes.  As mentioned above, tears are very rare. 

- I've attended over 170 births as an assistant, doula, and student midwife. 

- When I drink even a tiny bit of soda I burp for an hour. 

-I'm allergic to wheat, sugar, and corn and anything with wheat, sugar or corn in it. So that's about everything yummy. I usually eat them all anyway. 

-Sleeping in a bright room, with people around, in front of a movie, or on many cups of coffee is no problem at all. 

- The more Messy something is, the more fun it is. And you can usually gauge my level of enjoyment of something by how messy I or the room am.

-My eyes change color, they can be blue, green or grey. Sometimes slightly hazel. 

- I can't stand board games, except on certain occasions. Even then, for a limited time. 

-I LOVE collards, spinach, and other green veggies. But I hate asparagus, and pretty much all squash. 

- Often I pretend I'm invisible. And I think often, I really am (figuratively). 

-I have never fallen asleep at the wheel, or even nodded off. Even after being up over 50 hours straight.

- My big toes are at least an inch bigger/taller than my other toes.  It's like I have the MIGHTY TOE syndrome or something. 

- I usually won't touch someone unless they touch me first. (like a pat, or a hug or something)

- I twist the hem of my shirts around my fingers when I'm nervous. That's why there's often tiny holes on the bottom of all of my shirts. 

-I rarely dream, but when I do dream- it's 9 times out of 10 always a nightmare. 

-I've kept journals since 1996. (I was 7 years old) and I like to go back and read them! 

Well, there you go!! that should be long enough, perhaps too long!!

Hope you were entertained. 

~Kate :)

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Step by Step.

I'm only human; I'm just a girl
Help me believe in what I could be and all that I am
Show me the stairway
I have to climb
Lord for my sake
Teach me to take
One day at a time

One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from you
Give me the strength to do everything that I have to do
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Help me today
Show me the way
One day at a time.

This particular song has been stuck in my head the past few days. I've forgotten where I heard it first, It seems to echo out of some distant memory when I was a child. I'm sure I heard it at some gospel singing or something... 
The words however, resonate with me right now. 

"Show me the stairway/I have to climb/Lord for my sake/Teach me to take/One day at a time"

That's all we can do, one day at a time. How did the ant eat the elephant? One bite at a time?
No matter how fast we go, no matter how big our dreams- the fastest we can get there is one breathe, one step, one second at a time. No faster- for anyone. No matter how great or small. 

What's my mountain right now? Several things, Nursing school- for one, how all thats going to work...Midwifery, the desire to travel, to see new places and experience new things. Work, how I pay bills..... I mean, I even worry about what God's will for my life is, and if I'm in the center of His will!
Today, however- in my quiet time I read Psalm 40. In the very beginning of this beautiful Psalm were the words "I waited patiently  for the Lord, He turned to me, and heard my cry"
What really struck me here was the word Waited. 
Not in turmoil, not worrying, not doing things, running around like a chicken with your head lopped off, not scrounging around wondering what to do...
Next part. " God TURNED to me, and HEARD my cry, and BROUGHT ME OUT of the pit, out of the miry clay"
Who's doing the actions here? God. He's turning, hearing, and bringing me out. What am I doing? 
In the next few verses of the Psalm God sets my feet on a rock, give me a firm place to stand, and a New Song of Praise to sing. Other see it- the testimony of Grace. Fear God, and trust in the Lord. Did *I* have anything to do with it? Well, yes, and no. All I did was wait. (That in and of itself can be hard) For those of you that know me... I like to have a PLAN and everything mapped out... IN DETAIL. On one hand I can be very last minute and flexible, on another I'm incredibly particular about details. (Weird mish-mosh, I know.)
Back to my point...
My choice to Wait on the Lord not only blesses me, but brings others to trusting in the Lord. What a testimony! 

So, now that I've heard this message, preached to myself a bit, and had the light bulb come on....
Now I just have to wait and trust. 
Thankfully all I have to do is take one day, one step, one breath at a time. 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Frustrations and such.

So, it seems I need a place to be frustrated. Perhaps the internet isn't the best... but this is what works...besides, I need the prayer!!
Perhaps it can give you a glimpse into just how complicated my life can be.

First off, I'm still wanting to get my CPM license (certified professional midwife), but it seems that dream is on hold for a little bit and I'm just assisting a wonderful midwife at a local birth Center- New Life Birth Center in Rocky Mount, Va. For those of you who might want to know.... it's been lovely, and I enjoy assisting. However, in the meantime I've had a thought and a few nudges towards nursing school. I'd love to get my RN, I kind of wish I'd gone to get it right after high school instead of doing midwifery/doula school.
Don't get me wrong- I LOVED getting my Doula certification. And apprenticing and Midwifery school was very informative and yes, fun. However- besides some great experience and skills attained (through much blood sweat and tears) I don't feel like I have alot to show for the last 2 years.

So, I'm currently working- usually 4:30am to 5, 8 or 12 hours later. Several days a week. Then after work- going to class at VA Western-  taking Anatomy and Physiology. (Which I currently have a B in!)
I'm also on call for the birth center, studying, and attempting to have some semblance of a social life. Which pretty soon I'll probably give up altogether due to lack of time and funds to travel. Friends and life besides school are overrated anyway....right?  :/  I usually sleep 4-6 hours a night, sometimes less... sometimes not at all.  I can handle that though- as long as I can crash sometimes- especially thankful for specific friends who allow me to sleep on their couch during entire movies, eat nachos, play games, and be my random self and such.  And they still let me come back! (You know who you are.)

Today I went and talked to a nursing advisor about nursing school, it's a 68 credit class. Nursing classes are pretty much full time. Not to mention the pre-requs that are required, the lecture and lab. Books, equipment...etc...
I'm attempting to not go into debt over school, still support myself completely, pay rent on time etc, and still eat. I can't do all the classes in the normal 2 year time... without killing myself anyway. So, I do what I can now, and apply for nursing in 2014, then be done by 2016? That seems like a long ways away....
Not very easy.More waiting.

I'm frustrated because I WANT this SO BAD! I want my CPM, I want my RN. I WANT to excel and be a great student, wonderful assistant, awesome nanny, and fun person.
But I can't do it all.
It looks like a huge mountain, and I don't know how to go around it, under it or over it. And it's frustrating for a person like me who's used to finding the answer, doing well at things, and making stuff work.
I don't think this is something I can just tough out.

So, what do I do? Be frustrated, yes... but also pray. And try not to worry. Often I try too hard to rely on myself. I block God and others and don't allow anyone to help me. It's so easy, often- to give. But it's hard to receive and just accept it.
There must be an easier way! But what? My vision is pretty narrow these days...
What do I do now?
Abba, lead me.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life// whoever works to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for the Will of YAH will gain his life."

And another one I need to keep in mind:

Isaiah 43:18-19

18 “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

And now my friend...would you pray for me? Pray for wisdom, strength, and perseverance. Steams in the wastelands, and fountains in the desert. I don't need you to pray that it gets easier, but that there will be a way. The money for school will come in somehow, i'll be able to find a preceptor for Midwifery, And if this is not to be my path, that Yah would show me the Way that I should go. Thank you so much!!!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Trust and Seek

When I can't- God can. 
When people misunderstand me- God knows my heart.
When going on seems to difficult- I don't have to do it on my own. For He is with me. 
When i feel alone- He is right there beside me.

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'"

I mean, really- what situation(s) am I facing in my day to day life that God can't turn around and use for His glory? No matter how discouraging circumstances may be. Whether I'm on a mountain, or- as Anne Shirley says- "In the depths of despair"....God will make a way. 
Of course, I can type this- feel all profound, and enlightened or whatever..and just keep on living my life- or- I (AND YOU!) could actually believe this truth. Know that whatever our Jehovah Shema has in store- He is right there with us... ready and willing at any moment to intervene. 
So often I rely on people, friends, work, shopping, or whatever else to help me and get my mind off things... when these are only spiritual blinders and wheelchairs. People let me down, forget about me, shopping is pointless really, work is exhausting... but God- He's the perfect answer. 
Elohim said:
  You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.I love those who love me, and those who search for me find me.
Jer 19:13, Prov 8:17

So, I'm working on stripping away my crutches, wheel chairs, blinders, and any other handicap stuff- and going to try trusting- completely relying on- my Creator, and the one who loves me most. 

"Sometimes, when all the props and crutches in your life get stripped away and you find you have only God, you discover that God is enough. Sometimes, when your worst fears of inadequacy are confirmed and you discover that you really are out of your league, you experience the liberation of realizing that it is okay to be inadequate and that God wants his power to flow through your weakness." ~ John Ortberg

Monday, September 10, 2012

Nothing lasts forever

Sometimes I feel on the outside
Mental pictures of everything
 Is this my life?
Life is just happening.

How much do I miss?
Memories of a lifetime
Life, it's to be lived
Not just experienced

To live life without fear
Cause nothing lasts forever
Now, it's now- or never
Life is just happening

Fire inside my eyes
Memories in my head
A mission- a purpose
Reality, what is that?

Nothing lasts forever
So I must used the time I've got
Not just a being,
But doing all I can.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Livin' like a Warrior

Hello friends!
This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending Floydfest and saw Matisyahu live!!
There is a song that I heard "Live like a Warrior"- the thought struck me... do I live every day living like a warrior?
A dear friend pointed out that most of my life will be made up of ordinary days. But just because a day is ordinary, does that mean *I* have to be? I think not! I want to live the ordinary days extraordinarily.
Part of the lyrics are here:

Some things you should let go, there only gonna pull you down, 
Just like weight on your shoulder they are only gonna make you drown 
We all swing high, we all swing low, 
We all got secrets people don't know 
We all got dreams we can't let go, 
We want to brave, Don't be afraid 
Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Fight like a Warrior, 
Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Live like a Warrior 

How to fight and live like a warrior in our everyday life? Don't let the bad things, bad people, icky situations, and hum drum ness  of life bring you down. Dream big, and fight for those dreams, but be willing and able to change. Be adventurous, see the bright side of life. Don't worry about tomorrow- but be vigilant because tomorrow is coming.  Warriors learn from their mistakes. They take lessons learned, or things said and learn from what is truth, and disregard the lies and negativity. Living like a warrior means to not complain and whine over things that you can change. To be adaptable. Warriors are compassionate, (in my mind) they fight for the good of their people. They are courageous. They fight every battle as if it was their last.  They choose the higher calling, and walk a narrow path.
Do I live like a warrior? I want to do and be all of those things.
We only live one life.
  So, as Winston Churchill said: "Never Never Give Up".

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The 'why' of my blog.

I don't believe I've done a post on exactly WHY my blog is called 'Of love, strength and silver linings'.
Well, I do have a reason- believe it or not!
Because looking back over my life thus far- that's what it's been about. First of all- everything boils down to love. Second- having strength through difficult situations, and third- always looking for, and finding- a silver lining.
It's always there!
Yes, there are clouds- but to see the beauty in spite of the clouds. To know that the sun IS INDEED SHINING. Even when I can't see it... that is the gift.
Just because I can't see something, can't feel something, or *I* don't think it exists doesn't mean it's not there. It simply means that I am not looking for it.
Love is a big thing in my life, as it is in everyone's lives whether they know it or not. Being loved, accepted, and belonging to someone or something is a desire of every human being.
I found a quote by Mother Theresa that I believe is very important and basis to what life is, indeed about.

"Love has no meaning if it isn't shared. Love has to be put into action. You have to love without expectation, do something for love itself, not for what you may receive. ...Love in action is what gives us grace. We have been created for greater things... to love and to be loved. Love is love--to love a person without any conditions, without any expectations. Small things, done in great love, bring joy and peace. To love, it is necessary to give. To give, it is necessary to be free from selfishness." 
~Mother Teresa

Life isn't about money, work, having a nice, house, car, status, power... or any of the things so many people (including myself sometimes) focus on. Life is about the giving and receiving of love. Of nurturing your relationship with Elohim, the Creator. Of helping other fellow travelers along the way. Yehushua loved us without any inhibitions, if ands or buts, He wasn't selfish or self serving in His giving away of Love. Why should we? 
Who are we..am *I* to say... "you must do this...then i will love you." Never!

Now, to expound on the Strength and silver linings bit of my title- yes, there have been trials in my life. Quite a few, actually... difficult situations, people, things of my own making, and things thrust upon me with no apparent reason whatsoever. Soldiering on through these situations having faith in and leaning on the Love of our Jehovah is what carried me through. Yes- there were (many) moments of despair, being lost and feeling hopeless. But I wasn't left there! He picked me up, dusted me off, and set me back on my feet. Then showed me the chaotic mess He had turned into something beautiful.
That is the Yah we serve. He turns charcoal into diamonds, hopeless threads into a tapestry. Paints a thunder torn sky with brilliant rainbows. 
Holds my hand and heart during the darkness and the storm.
Abba, Father, Daddy. When I call to Him He not only answers, but opens His arms wide so I can run headlong into the arms of Love that will never let me fall.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Hearts Desire.

Oh Lord, Elohim, I desire something greater
Only to know you more.
I will search for you forever, to the ends of the earth
I cannot compare to the beauty of your ways
In Your Heart I find my home, in your Arms my hiding place
Give me a desire for your Heart
Grow my passion for the Lover of my soul into an unquenchable flame.

You alone are my Jehovah Jirah.
You did it: you changed wild lament  into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. 

I'm about to burst with song;  I can't keep quiet about you.
Elohim, my Abba,  I can't thank you enough.

Help me to rely only on You. The one who holds my heart and my life. 
Let me not be taken up in Earthly things, to give myself to idols.
Focus my eyes on You. The Audience of One. 
The only One who's opinion really matters. 

Help me to follow Your call on my life. 
To heal the brokenhearted, to bind up their wounds
To announce in a loud voice freedom to the captives
To comfort those who mourn.
Never to focus on myself. 
Make my life a mirror, reflecting only Your Face. 
Convict my heart, Make and mold me to be like Yehushua. 
Help me to show forth Love, Forgiveness, Grace, Hope
These are the things that truly matter. 

(parts taken from Is 52, Is 61, and Ps 30)

Monday, April 30, 2012

afraid to love?

I've started, and restarted this particular post.
I'm not exactly sure how to write out what all is exactly on my mind.
Once again, (it keeps on coming up), it's about Love.
Love is such an important thing- it's the answer. No matter what I do, no matter where I go.
The One who IS Love will always be there.

Yet, why am I afraid? Why am I afraid to love? So much of my life seems so surface. Very few know me any more than skin deep. And I do that on purpose. Simply because it's easier, in a way, safer.

This past week a dear friend of mine went Home to be with her Jesus. I'm thankful she's no longer in pain, but I will miss her and her challenging conversation, understanding, prayers, and inspiration. Even when she was groaning in pain her love for Jesus never wavered. Because in the same breath as her groan of pain- she would praise Him. What a testimony.

Another dear friend told me some news about her health recently. Nothing serious… but I had a moment of terror. Yes. Terror. What if she was just all the sudden- gone? I cannot imagine that, and I nearly started crying in the middle of her kitchen. Which probably wouldn't have gone over well since her family walked in the door a minute later.

 Loving someone is so dangerous. Yet such a gift. What would life be without these relationships?
Empty. I might not love and trust quickly, but when I do- it's real. I just wish I knew how to show it better. Just saying "I love you" is not enough.
Love is one of those things that is painful, yet it is a beautiful pain. That's how you know you truly love someone- when you are afraid of losing them.
It's so fragile, so temporary.
I am learning to hold what I have with an open hand, and a grateful heart.

Cherish every minute, my friends.
At the risk of sounding cliche:
Don't wait to tell someone you love them, do it now- you don't know how long you have.
 Be real, be honest, be alive, and be loving. Make every second count.
Life is too short to be or do otherwise.

Monday, March 12, 2012

A Love Letter.....

"Of course I love you!" My Beloved says.
" I have loved you with an everlasting Love; I have drawn you with Lovingkindness.
I will never forsake you, I will never leave you. I know your sitting down and rising up. I know all your ways. If you come up to Heaven, I'm here. If you make your bed in hell, I'm there too. If you take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea- still, I will lead you. Not even death can separate you from my love.  My mercies are new every morning, they endure forever. You, my Love, my Bride, have ravished my heart. I have set my seal upon your heart. For my love is as strong as death..it is a most vehement flame.  Many waters cannot quench my love for you. Nor can floods drown it.  If your foot slips, my mercy will hold you up.  When you call for me I will answer you in the secret place of thunder. 
I will give you beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for morning.  I will give you a new name. Your righteousness will go forth as a brightness, and your salvation as a lamp that burns. You will also be a crown of glory and royal diadem in my hand. You will no longer be forsaken or desolate. For I, the Lord, delights in you. 
I, the Lord, will arise over you and my Glory will be seen upon you. 
You shall be called Sought Out.  

Is. 61:3, 62:1-4,12,  60:1,
Song of Solomon 4:9, 8:6-7
Jer. 31:3
Heb 13:5
Romans 8:38-39
Ps. 94:18, 136, 139, 81:7

Monday, February 27, 2012

A Refining Fire- moving towards Perfection.

Well, here I am again looking around on the internet for inspiration for another blog post.
Sometimes I'm just inspired, other times I need inspiration. 
This is one of those "I need inspiration" moments. 

Ahh, okay- here's something.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.  ~Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry
What a thought! Perfection- a refining, a process. God is refining us to purest of pure gold. Soft, pliable, and reflective of HIs brilliant Glory. We cannot do this on our own. It is through the refining fire that we become pure. It's striving to be holy as HE is holy.  It's a drawing out of the dross- taking away things that are not the finest Gold.  We are already made in His image- in His likeness. During the refining process He puts us over the fire. a fire that is pure love. Righteous love- a love that wants nothing more, and nothing less than the best for us. It's not to destroy, but to help us change. Someone recently pointed out that if we are willing to walk through the fire of testing, we will be refined through that fire, and made into purest gold, which is just as transparent as glass with Him. We become so clear and pure that anything we do or say will be seen as glass to Him, as well as others. No impurities will be found; no flaws or imperfection will be able to stay, because they will immediately be noticed within. The process of purification is repetitive, often time-consuming, and very intense.
Often, as we are put under heat testing our faith, we seem to believe the intensity is too much work, and we will never make it through this fire. Our human desire is to give up and retreat. To throw up our hands and say "It's not worth it!!!" Through the fire, the pressure of removing the impurities seems intense, though it's only a matter of allowing them to surface within our own hearts and minds. When a heating pressure is applied to our lives, God is beginning the refinement process. Though we often question God as to why we are being persecuted, we soon come to find that God is blessing us with the very thing we thought was the curse. God promises that He will perfect His work. So, as I see it- we can either be okay with that and allow Him to take control of our lives and purify as HE sees fit. 
I promise, it'll be worth it- and He will be gentle. It is our struggling and our moaning that makes it worse. He will NOT give us something that we cannot bear. 
Looking back over the refining, the tests, purifications- over and over again...I can see the patterns of His love and grace. He was always in control over the situation- I just needed to let go and let God take control of the steering wheel.
What an Amazing Papa God we serve.
1 Peter 1:7
 ...So that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold which though perishable is tested by fire, may redound to praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

There- I ended up inspired after all :  

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

His Love… Is Extravagant.

Instead of doing it in your own strength. 
Instead of trying over and over, and failing again.
Instead of clinging to the threads of your plans.
Instead of putting your faith in man.
Instead of worrying about what others think of you.
Instead of trying to hold yourself together.
And worrying about what to do,
Sink into the Loving Arms of Christ. 
Let go, He is waiting. 
His love is Extravagant. 
He will catch you when you fall.
He will give you wings to rise up like the Eagles. 
And Soar.

How quickly we fall into the trap of relying on ourselves. How often we think we can find our own way, do it in our own strength. 
It's then that we are reminded, usually by circumstances, that we can't. 
God is the strength of our lives. We won't get far without Him. Yet, we still try! 

His Love, it's furious. Extravagant. Unending. Deep as the deepest ocean, greater than the vast universe.  To fall in Love with God- the creator of Love itself. What a romance! What an adventure! 
All that Love. For me. I cannot even grasp that.  He has not only saved us from eternal death, but He calls us friend, son, daughter, and Bride. 
Yet, so often... where do we run? Not into His arms. But away, into the shadows. Too ashamed to ask for help.  He cannot help us unless we let Him. 
God, Yahweh, Jehovah. He breaks all bounds, all boxes, all molds. He is with us, yet on the other side of the world, out in the universe. He came, wore clothes just like us, ate, drank, touched. He is also transcendent and immortal.  Holy, more beautiful than we can imagine, more majestic than the mighty Mountains, more radiant than a sunrise. 

The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? Ps. 27:1
He is our strength! Such an amazing thought. I know I'm guilty of "doing it" in my own strength. Not allowing Him, or anyone else, to help me. Lately I've had several lessons in humility- allowing God's gift, in the form of other people, to help me. It's not been an easy lesson! I'm so prideful at times, well... All the time. Pride is one of the things God hates! I think I'm starting to see why- it separates us from Him, and His plans, His best for us. So- He hates it.

One of the most arduous spritual tasks is that of giving up control and allowing the Spirit of God to lead our lives.
-Henri Nouwen

Parting thought for this rambleish post:

"Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from Your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depth, You are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me.  Your right had will hold me fast" (Psalm 139:7-10).

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Taking leaps.

Hope. Faith.
Yet- what meanings. It's not something that just happens. I know we may flippantly say "I hope it'll be sunny today". But- that's more of a wish than a hope, I think.  True hope, and true faith are something much, much more. It's knowing, beyond a doubt, that in spite of how things may turn out, in spite of how crazy things may seem- God is still in control. It is being certain that no matter what happens- it'll make sense in the grand scheme of His plan. No matter how it turns out. That is the hard part. 
Our job is not to worry. It's not to fret. (And I'm speaking to myself just as much, if not more, than to you.) I'm the type that wants to have everything planned out months beforehand. Often I'm afraid to "take the leap". To have faith that His arms will be there to catch me. 
I am reminded of the scene in the movie "The Village" when Ivy is standing at the door facing the darkness - hand outstretched- waiting patiently. She shows some fear, but she doesn't waver.She is waiting for the Man that she loves to rescue her. The forbidden to speak of scary "thing" is charging at her to take her with it into the night. Suddenly, He who she loves runs out of the darkness, and in one swoop, pulls her into safety; Not just into the house, but enfolded into His arms. 
You may have noticed that I capitalized Man and He. Yes, I am making a parallel here. I'm sure you can see it. We stand. Facing the darkness- hands outstretched. Waiting for Him who we love. 
That is Hope. That is Faith. It's to simply stand there. Waiting. 
Faith, hope. They  go together in this picture. We are waiting for He who we love to come. Though the storm rages, our life appears in ruins, though the mountains crumble, the world falls apart around us. Still, we wait. Do we say it's hopeless? That all is lost? No! Because that would be telling the Lord that there is nothing He can do for the situation. And you and I both know that this is not true! 
Father, help us to refocus our thinking to that of Hope. Help us to keep pushing forward no matter how the shadows loom or the rain pours. To always keep looking for the best- Your best. Eyes ever fixed on You. Waiting patiently. Knowing that when we take the leap- the arms there to catch us are strong, infinitely loving, and will always be there.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” 
Corrie ten Boom
Ephesians 4:32
And be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. 

What does it mean to truly forgive?
Jesus tells us to forgive 70 x 7. 
We should not keep a record of wrongs. Yes, time heals us of wounds. However, when something happens to us it is always with us- no matter how great or small. It molds us, scars us. Scars our soul. 
Normally, a scar is ugly. However, it can also be a memorial to battles fought- and won. In this case, it would almost be a thing of beauty. It's a testament to all who see it that says "I am a victor" Because no matter if you lost the battle, or won the battle- you are still here. And rising above makes you a victor. 
Here I'm not talking about literal battles, of course. I'm sure you follow that. 
But what exactly does it look like to forgive someone? Someone who did something deliberate, or inadvertently. 
It's a walking out, step by step.  It's re-conditioning your thinking to that of sorrow, rather than rage. Sorrow for the other person, or people. And instead of many words- you have nothing left to say at all. Either to that person, about that person, or to God about that person. It's to be able to equate feelings of joy, peace, and love with memories.
 I believe this is true forgiveness. 

Is it easy? No! Not by any means! 
But is it worth it? Yes! 
Reconditioning your thinking to feelings that are completely opposite is difficult. 

When you, or I- or anyone- walks in un forgiveness towards another person it's indirect violation of the commandment " Thou Shalt Not Kill".
"As a man thinks in his heart, so is he".
Proverbs 23:7

I'm sure this also attitude separates us from Papa God. After all, think of all the things He's forgiven us for! Such an incredible number, each and every day. How can we not forgive one (or a few) offenses, when He has forgiven us of all? 

Just a week or so ago I was listening to "The Hiding Place" by Corrie ten Boom. (Hence the quote at the top).
What an amazing woman. The things she and her family suffer makes what I've gone through look like small potatoes. Forgiving those Nazis and other people who hurt her was her key. It was her key-passport to freedom and action. It gave her the ability to have the ministry, the heart, and the love that she did.  She forgave- AND forgot. To tell someone, or to think in your heart "I can forgive this person, or these people, but I will not forget about what happened" Is like tucking it away out of sight, but having it still there. That's not the way! I should be like you wrote it down on paper, then burned it. And nothing is left but ashes. Revenge is not the way- it shows a fallen nature. As does "one upping". You know the attitude. "Well fine, if you do that. I'm going to do this, and now YOU see how it feels"
Goodness! If Christ did that to us… well- you can finish the thought. 

Martin Luther King said : "Forgiveness is not the occasional act. It is a permanent attitude."

May I, may we all, keep in mind what Christ has done for us. And do unto others as we would have it done to us. 

I am off to work, my friends. I hope you all have a blessed day.
(Ps. It's always nice to see comments… *hint hint!*)

Sunday, February 5, 2012

A musing on Beautiful Girlhood.

First for a little update on my life these days:
Nowadays I've been working most days every week, 3 of which are 4:30am to at least 5:40pm, sometimes later. Cleaning, babysitting, school, some births.. That's what my life has been these days. 
What's nice is I'm usually free to do what I want on the weekends. This allows me to go around and visit whom I will. So far I've been to North Carolina, Ohio, many places in Virginia, Florida, and Pennsylvania. And I'm looking forward to going to Kentucky next month for a friends wedding! 
Oh the joys of single life!! 

And now my random thoughts:
I was musing the today on what I was originally taught about "Beautiful Girlhood"- and what my life looks like now.  I have been judged, and often, for the fact that I no longer live at home "until I'm married".  From the time I was 17 or so I've always known I would move out before that blessed event. I didn't know it would be at the age of 20- and several states away at that. However, it worked out that I would go to PA for midwifery school, and mom and dad gave their blessing. So- off I went. 

Now, don't get me wrong- "Beautiful Girlhood" is NOT a bad thing. However, I feel like girls my age are often put in a box. They are frowned upon if they move out, take college courses, or do something beyond living at home and being a happy homely homemaker to be. While we are on this subject, I have a confession to make:
I hate cooking. That's not saying I can't cook- I just don't. (Anyone who knows my mom knows I learned how to cook, I just didn't catch the enjoyment behind it.)
I'd also rather kill and clean the chicken than figure out how to cook it.  I'd rather plant the garden, weed it, sweat and broil outside than actually cook, clean, freeze, and otherwise prepare the fruits thereof. 
I'm also not extremely sweet and demure. I'm pretty loud, I enjoy fun things, taking chances, meeting people. I love to wear bright skirts and colors. Put feathers in my hair. Dance about in the rain. And otherwise make a spectacle of myself. Definitely not in the mold.
What does this have to do with my previous topic, you say?
I lived under the impression for years that I was a hopeless mess of a girl. Who completely missed the vision of Beautiful Girlhood/womanhood. Recently I've discovered this is not the case.
While being a lovely homemaker taking care of siblings, writing letters to friends in need, etc is NOT by ANY means a bad thing… that Is. Not. Me. 
No wonder I felt like a hopeless mess! I was living inside the box of what I'm" supposed" (in mans opinion) to be-when it is not who I was created to be! 

Since this realization I've almost reached the point of not caring what others think about what I do, where I live, and how I act. 
I will continue chasing after Biblical Beautiful Womanhood- but the womanhood I am supposed to have, not what others think I should have! 
So, ladies and gentleman, please keep in mind- that just because a girl no longer lives at home doesn't mean she is living out from under her parents authority. That she has lost her vision, and her beliefs.  In fact, in my case, it is quite the contrary.  I feel that my relationship with Jesus is stronger than ever. I've had to rely on Him many many times. Those times where I thought I couldn't take another step forward. Like I was all alone, and there was no other options. He has taught me to Trust, have Faith, and Love Unconditionally. Those 3 things alone I cannot do in my own strength.
Now, I wouldn't recommend moving out as a single girl. I'm supporting myself, in all ways (except for when I go to friends houses and mooch! haha.) Anyway- It's NOT easy AT ALL- however, it's not the taboo bad thing like it's chalked up to be in the majority of Conservative Christian circles. Especially when done with Parental approval and blessing and for a purpose beyond just "moving out because I hate being told what to do". (Which, I might add, is NOT a very good attitude for anyone. Much less one that thinks they are ready for the world. A boss is usually ALOT less lenient than a parent. I am, more quickly every day, discovering just how much I don't know.) As a little point: if you move out, be sure to join a church, or stay in your church. Keep under someones authority, have some accountability. It's very important :) I'm not advocating girls moving out- especially without their parents permission- however, friends, family, and other people- don't frown upon us girls who have moved out! Not all of us have siblings at home to watch, a family business to help run...etc.... I guess, bottom line is- don't put beautiful girlhood, or beautiful womanhood in a box. 
 Since that first move in August 2010 I've moved 7 times. I've learned lots, and I'm thankful for every bit of the ups and downs, hard decisions, and crazy stuff I'd had to endure.  The Lord truly HAS led me all the way. 

I don't mean to sound so snobby, or opinionated- and I don't mean to be nasty. And perhaps I might step on some toes- but, this is my blog.... and its my personal thoughts- so I'll say it! Just like you can have your personal thoughts!  So, I won't bash you, you don't bash me! Cool? Great. 

And now, let me leave you with this last thought:

You were born an original.  Don't die a copy. 
 ~John Mason

Your Sister in Christ,