Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Frustrations and such.

So, it seems I need a place to be frustrated. Perhaps the internet isn't the best... but this is what works...besides, I need the prayer!!
Perhaps it can give you a glimpse into just how complicated my life can be.

First off, I'm still wanting to get my CPM license (certified professional midwife), but it seems that dream is on hold for a little bit and I'm just assisting a wonderful midwife at a local birth Center- New Life Birth Center in Rocky Mount, Va. For those of you who might want to know.... it's been lovely, and I enjoy assisting. However, in the meantime I've had a thought and a few nudges towards nursing school. I'd love to get my RN, I kind of wish I'd gone to get it right after high school instead of doing midwifery/doula school.
Don't get me wrong- I LOVED getting my Doula certification. And apprenticing and Midwifery school was very informative and yes, fun. However- besides some great experience and skills attained (through much blood sweat and tears) I don't feel like I have alot to show for the last 2 years.

So, I'm currently working- usually 4:30am to 5, 8 or 12 hours later. Several days a week. Then after work- going to class at VA Western-  taking Anatomy and Physiology. (Which I currently have a B in!)
I'm also on call for the birth center, studying, and attempting to have some semblance of a social life. Which pretty soon I'll probably give up altogether due to lack of time and funds to travel. Friends and life besides school are overrated anyway....right?  :/  I usually sleep 4-6 hours a night, sometimes less... sometimes not at all.  I can handle that though- as long as I can crash sometimes- especially thankful for specific friends who allow me to sleep on their couch during entire movies, eat nachos, play games, and be my random self and such.  And they still let me come back! (You know who you are.)

Today I went and talked to a nursing advisor about nursing school, it's a 68 credit class. Nursing classes are pretty much full time. Not to mention the pre-requs that are required, the lecture and lab. Books, equipment...etc...
I'm attempting to not go into debt over school, still support myself completely, pay rent on time etc, and still eat. I can't do all the classes in the normal 2 year time... without killing myself anyway. So, I do what I can now, and apply for nursing in 2014, then be done by 2016? That seems like a long ways away....
Not very easy.More waiting.
Ugh.

I'm frustrated because I WANT this SO BAD! I want my CPM, I want my RN. I WANT to excel and be a great student, wonderful assistant, awesome nanny, and fun person.
But I can't do it all.
It looks like a huge mountain, and I don't know how to go around it, under it or over it. And it's frustrating for a person like me who's used to finding the answer, doing well at things, and making stuff work.
I don't think this is something I can just tough out.

So, what do I do? Be frustrated, yes... but also pray. And try not to worry. Often I try too hard to rely on myself. I block God and others and don't allow anyone to help me. It's so easy, often- to give. But it's hard to receive and just accept it.
There must be an easier way! But what? My vision is pretty narrow these days...
What do I do now?
Abba, lead me.


"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life// whoever works to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for the Will of YAH will gain his life."

And another one I need to keep in mind:


Isaiah 43:18-19


18 “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.


And now my friend...would you pray for me? Pray for wisdom, strength, and perseverance. Steams in the wastelands, and fountains in the desert. I don't need you to pray that it gets easier, but that there will be a way. The money for school will come in somehow, i'll be able to find a preceptor for Midwifery, And if this is not to be my path, that Yah would show me the Way that I should go. Thank you so much!!!